Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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