you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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