Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
