U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
