I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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