i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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