instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
