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a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
