My friends, they love my intelligence
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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