Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
