Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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