Already got asked if we're dating
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I need a beard to bite.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
