i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
