Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
