Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
