Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
