I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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