he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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