By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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