i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We got so high we made milksteak
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
