What did we do last night that was yellow?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
