dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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