And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
