Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
