i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
