My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
