so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
