The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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