Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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