i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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