Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
