we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
