Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
