The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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