i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
