I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
