You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I will pee on everything he values.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
