I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
