508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
