Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
