I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
