just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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