So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
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