And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
