Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
