OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
