Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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