Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
