The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
