He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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