I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
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