I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
