I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
